Deployment Survivor. Warning: LONG STORY

My bloggy friend Amanda sent me a link to this military spouse blogger site, and let me tell you, apparently there are about a million milspouse blogs.  It's kind of crazy, aka addicting!  So one of them that I saw had this deployment survivor button.  I'm going to be honest and say that I really don't know much about buttons and what they're for (I kind of think of them as Jennifer Aniston's "flare" in Office Space), but whatever.  The button, and the blogs, made me think of our deployment story and this is the perfect time to share.  I stole added the button, and here's my story...

We were married on May 22, 2004.  We had a really nice wedding with a great (read: drunken) reception and a super relaxing honeymoon.  We settled nicely into our post-wedding life, I was working full time for our local school district and D was working full time for the guard in the marketing office.  About six weeks after our wedding I was at work and D walked into my office, which was very strange.  He should have been at work.  I knew immediately what was going on.  I was kind of in a daze and he said something like "come on, let's go home", that was the day that changed everything.

There was a unit about two hours away that was already in Iraq but had some empty slots that they needed to be filled, so they pulled D and a few others from the unit he was in to fill the slots.  The others that were pulled were great guys that D had become close with over the years, so it was nice for him and for us wives/girlfriends because we already knew each other.  They were joining a unit that had been together for a while and let's just say they weren't... um.... welcoming, but it was okay because we had each other.  Those bonds would prove to be tested a lot in the months to come.  Within a couple of weeks he was at his mob (mobilization) station and ready to deploy.  The whole thing went really fast.

He was in Iraq in late July/early August, and I was a newlywed without my husband.  I worked all the time to keep busy.  I would take Sam (our dog) to work with me on Saturdays when no one else was working, the office would be totally empty and so quiet.  Sam would lay next to me on the floor while I typed or filed or did whatever I had to do.  It was sad.  The weekend days that I didn't work were spent sleeping.  I would go to bed at 10 or 11 at night, then sleep until 12 or 1 the following afternoon.  Really the only reason I got out of bed was to let Sam out.  I would eat breakfast/lunch and take a nap on the couch, then dressed around 5 or 6 and go to my parents house for dinner.  Sad.  I know that other stuff happened while he was gone, but this is how I remember spending my days. Working or sleeping.  And just being sad.

Looking back I definitely think I was depressed.  There are so many other things I could have done to pass the time and keep myself preoccupied, but I didn't have any interest in anything.  As crazy as it sounds, I almost think it would have been easier to go through if I had a child already.  It would be super hard in it's own way, but it would have kept me so busy, I wouldn't have been able to feel sorry for myself... and I really did a lot of feeling sorry for myself.  BUT, there was not one minute where I questioned whether or not we would get through it.  That wasn't ever a possibility, our relationship status would not be determined by terrorists.  Sorry crazy ass terrorists.

D came back in late March and it was great!  I talked to him at every stop on the flight home and I really didn't think I would get really emotional when I saw him... silly me!  They got back to the mob station and I drove out there to see him as soon as they gave the okay.  I drove up to the barracks and I was on the phone with him while he was giving me directions on where to turn and how to find him.  It was late in the evening and I pulled up this dark gravel road and there he was in the middle of the road. I almost forgot to put the car in park as I was jumping out.  I cried like a baby, a mixture of relief and happiness and emotional exhaustion.  It was another week or more before they had the welcome home ceremony and he was actually at home. 

And our lives started.  Again.

So I decided that I wanted the deployment survivor button, because even though D survived "rockets being shot directly at his face"... his words, not mine... I survived the loneliness and sadness and depression.  I pray that we don't have to go through another deployment, but if we do it would be okay.  I know now what to do (stuff for myself) and what not to do (self imposed isolation), and I know that we'll both survive.  Again.