Today Sucked.

I sit down and write a post from time to time, but I rarely publish because I feel like it's too depressing.  Today is one of those days.  Who knows if I'll actually publish this..........

D was home on leave for eleven and a half days.  He was supposed to have fourteen days, I feel robbed.  Also, he was gone for four months before he came home on leave, which means that we still have twice as long as we've already been through before he comes home for good.  Saying goodbye is so hard.  Today at the airport it was like everyone knew what we were doing, everyone gave me the sad eyes.  I hate the sad eyes.  There is a mom at C's school that gives me the sad eyes all the time and says "How are you doing, honeyyyyy?"  I want to say- how are you doing??  You're almost 50 years old and pregnant with your sixth child?  How are YOU doing, honey?

Today at the airport the woman at the ticket counter asked me if I wanted to go back to the gate with him and wait for his plane.  I wasn't crying at the ticket counter, I didn't even think I looked that bad.  I guess she figured out where he was going from his destination and his Army duffel bag. I told her no, thank you.  She kept pushing, and I kept saying no, she kept pushing... all you need is a drivers license...then I started crying and told her that we know what we're doing, it's easier to just say goodbye and get it over with.  This is not our first time at the rodeo.  More sad eyes.  How nice of her to make me explain my reasoning.  That was just what I needed.

D texted me later and he said that multiple people saw us saying goodbye and approached him in the terminal to ask where he was going.... which I think is strange, but whatever.  One woman wanted to sit and talk about it.  He told her that he really didn't feel like talking right now. 

I'm still working on how to move the scariness about this deployment to the background again.  I had the scariness in the background, very compartmentalised.  The day to day was what I thought about.  Where are the kids going after school today?  What does C need to bring for share day?  What homework am I not doing today?

 A month ago we lost some soldiers from here in our town, that we know.  Now it's hard to get that uneasy feeling out of the foreground.  I think about it every day.  I think about their wives every single day.  I think about how that could very easily be me.

Today sucks.  I feel nauseous.  I hope not too many people read this, it's so depressing.  But, this is my life today.  Tomorrow will be better, I hope.